I have an admission to make. As a coach, facilitator, author, speaker I don’t always have my life together. I sometimes fall short of my goals, or what I want to have happen.
Do I do my best in life? Absolutely!
Could I make changes? Totally!
Do I choose too? Sometimes not…
Why is that you ask?
Because quite simply, I have gotten used to the me, I am!
I can live with status quo? Yes and no. I am not willing or perhaps wanting to change so badly yet.
You might be the same way and you know what? That is okay. It really is. It is your life, your choice and when you are ready, you will make a new choice and take new actions.
Do I do a lot of life right? Yes, totally!
You do too…you are a good parent, business owner, work colleague. You probably exercise, watch your diet, intake of alcohol, drugs and the bottom line is you probably live a clean, decent life.
You try to be kind, donate to charities, pay your bills, help others and give of your time to a worthy cause or causes.
But, sometimes, we fall short on parts of our lives and sometimes our outcomes or life circumstances get the better of us.
I admit, my life circumstances sometimes have it over on me. There are issues in my life that edge into the good parts and sometimes take right over!
Such as my limiting beliefs, fears, shame and doubt and in my case a health matter is lurking around forcing me to examine life…
This is not a bad thing…it is the human condition. We all struggle with our “shadow” side…the key is to let it go and shift the thinking to more positive thoughts and visions!
Here is why I admit, that as a coach, facilitator, author. Yes, even though a lot of my life and work is great, from what I do to make a living, to being happy outwardly, the facade that maybe I have been putting up that I have it all together, is bogus! For two reasons, one is my negative thinking can get in the way and that health issue, when here is why I sometimes don’t have it together and suggest that I put up a façade.
I have diabetes.
My weight isn’t where it needs to be, even though I watch what I eat and usually have a salad and protein for my meals and choose healthy options at a restaurant…this is one area, where I don’t have it together.
My weaknesses are salty, savory snacks. You might see me walk down the chip aisle in the grocery store with Holy Water and a Cross, (and I am not even Catholic) to ward off the bags of chips, screaming out for me to buy them!
Who can relate to this?
In this world of choice, we’d rather opt for the burger than a bag of carrots and celery!
I admit, as hard as I focus on healthy, nutritious eating, I fall short sometimes and worse is I justify it to myself!
Have you been there?
I don’t have it together and I admit it and it takes a ton for me to be consistently mindful. Being on a “Diet” feels restrictive, dull, boring and not a lot of fun!
So, let’s go back to February of this year.
One of the things I do that is positive for my diabetes is I work out every morning, at least 30 minutes of cardio. So, I bike on my stationary bike, do weights, or in the nicer weather I walk in the mornings all before work, usually by 6 am, or I will be late for work.
Back in February, I had a callous on my big toe…this is not good if you are diabetic. I saw my chiropodist and he cut away at the callous.
A week later I had a toe wound on the ball of my big toe. I got it treated regularly and all was good, there was no infection, the wound was contained, I went about life normally, walking, exercising, working, doing everything you love to do, to be well and healthy.
Then on July 16th on a Monday after one of my early morning walks, my little wound opened, started to bleed right through my sock and it got infected with a bacterium that is resistant to antibiotics!
I had to go to work that day, to host an event, even though I was beginning to feel ill.
My toe was bleeding all day, the wound got worse, bigger, the foot was inflamed, red and being diabetic (and I don’t like having this disease one bit), this was a cause for concern.
On the morning of the 17th of July, I went to the emergency at North York General Hospital. I had x-rays done and was given antibiotics right away.
They then referred me to the Internal medicine specialist and I was set up with wound care and the CCAC clinic (A clinic that tends to people with wounds and that are on antibiotics daily) to administer the antibiotics.
Two days after I went to see the internal medicine specialist at North York General Hospital and was sent on a battery of tests to see how bad the toe infection was. I was scanned, head to toe, had ultra sounds, a swab of the wound to see what kind of bacteria I had, then sent to an infectious disease specialist and an orthopedic surgeon.
Then I was sent for a CT scan on the toe…the bone was infected (Osteomyelitis) and in fact had chipped off…the surgeon said, I have been walking on these bone fragments for a while and it was like walking on pebbles, but from the inside.
She didn’t know whether surgery would help. So, she recommended a total contact cast be put on.
A total contact cast was placed on my foot on August 13th…I was told it could be on for months. “Gulp”!!!
My cast…nice colour too!
I admit, as much as I do work wise, where when I teach it helps those in the class or groups and though I love to touch lives and positively, making good impacts on others. I still don’t have it together…I admit to being imperfect.
That night I went home with this “freaking” cast. It was hard to walk with and do much with, which is precisely the point. You are to rest, offload pressure on the toe wound and bone and allow for healing to begin.
During that first night, an hour into my sleep, I had a full-blown panic attack.
I was one of few people who are “Cast Claustrophobic”. In the dark of the night, I wanted that cast off right away, I was in full blown panic mode.
One of my highest values is freedom, be it creative freedom, or being self-employed or free to just come and go.
But this cast was confronting…
First, it is on my driving foot, so driving is out, second, showering is out, morning exercise is out, and walking, chores are a challenge, etc… I have not been to work since July 16th either!
On that first night, here is what I did to calm down from the panic attack and this is a real part of why I am writing this and what message I want to share.
Step one to help through my panic attack was to get some water and then just be with it.
Step two, was I went online (Google) to look up cast claustrophobia…and sure enough it is real. It affects about 5-10% of the population, I was one of them.
Step three, was after realizing what I had, was there a video of someone who experiences this and were they sharing how they got through the panic of it?
Step four, I found a video. It was by Pastor Steven Furtick from the Elevation Church in the U.S.
I am not Christian either, but I watched his sermon on dealing with anxiety and what it meant and bam!!! Like an arrow to the brain, I got what the cast was about.
It was about “God”, the universe, whatever you choose to believe in, offering me a chance to heal. I have had foot pain for years but manage through it. I have prayed for a solution…I asked for help. I got it in the form of a cast!
I had to quell my suffering and panic and realize the truth behind the cast. It was the universe, “God”, my angels, conspiring for me!
It was a big AHA! moment.
Step five: I went on to watch one more video on anxiety by this fabulous Pastor, honestly, check out his messages of hope on YouTube…under the Elevation Church or Pastor Steven Furtick.
3 hours later, I had watched 3 videos on dealing with anxiety in the middle of the night.
I then did a meditation by Dr. Joe Dispenza. Check out his message of hope and healing too…he is a powerful thought leader.
By 3 am, I finally calmed myself to sleep.
I don’t always have it together.
Even though I may present myself as a fun, easy going, heartfelt coach, facilitator and writer, I don’t have it together.
There are parts of my life that can cause me pain, fear, worry, doubt and sadness.
What I am getting at this week and the lesson I want to share with you is, as I heal in the cast (and good progress had been made) is that I need to heal myself from the inside too.
To release past hurts, thoughts, beliefs that get in the way of me living my best self.
My choice is to work on this, probably every day, every moment. Why? Well, we are always confronted by others in our life, be it my boss, family, a rude associate at a store I go to, or just avoiding the temptation of the snack aisle in the grocery store!
I admit too, that I have an inner doubter inside my head. It doubts any good outcome in my life…it is a powerful voice…
But, from here on in, I choose to believe that good will and can happen.
To heal and become whole is work, you must face yourself, your fears your negative stories that keep you locked in and unlock them, so true healing can begin!
Your inner child is alone and you as an adult, need to talk to him or her and take their hand and say, “We’re going to do this, we are going to be okay and make it”!
So, yes, there are parts of me that I need to look at and heal, if I heal the inside, the outside might take care of itself.
I am exploring where I am at while I sit home alone (the cast is on my driving foot), so I am not going to far these days.
I do know this. Things in my life need to change. I will share more on that in my next article.
My goal here is to ensure that you, and even though we are all faced with pain, wounds, challenges, hurts and sadness, sometimes, that we can acknowledge it, talk to it, shift the thinking and begin to believe again.
That you learn to face your fears and negative thinking and truly trust, that when we face adversity, we ask for help and sometimes, we don’t know how that help will occur. Remember that this too will pass, and a beautiful outcome is on its way.
If you are going through a challenge, please believe that it is leading you to something better, even though in the middle of the night, when all you want to do is to scream and panic.
If you are going through a challenge, let me know and maybe we can heal together…
Now go make it a great week and “cast” away your fears!